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”“No,” I insisted, “that’s not why I’m crying.”“Oh. OK. I know this was a big moment for you. Hey, it’s OK.” Thenafter another minute, “Are you thirsty? Can I bring you a‘stroggleberry’ soda?” This was a private joke between us, a sillyname we had for my favorite strawberry soda.“Yea, that would be great. Thanks.” Later on that evening, I asked him when we were going to try it oncemore. He was surprised that I wanted to do it again, since it hadbeen so uncomfortable, but I reasonably pointed out that it wouldnever get better for me until we had done it a few times, so we usedall three condoms from the original package that very night.THE NEXT YEARIt was hard for us to find places to be alone. We both had one parentthat worked at home and we both still lived at home also. Privacy washard to come by. Eventually Mark’s best friend Ingmar (who workedduring the day) offered to. I just knew I felt alive when I was with her, when I saw the look on her face as I walked into her office.When I was with her, I could forget that Mary existed, that I had been married for more than half my life, that there would never be the excitement of that first time again, that I would never be young again.As long as I didn't fuck her, as long as I didn't slide my dick between those long lovely legs of hers it wasn't real, it didn't count! I know that is crazy. Maybe that's why they call it middle-aged crazy. It was all just fantasies, that's all it was.But if Mary was telling the truth, the truth I'd never known for all those years, Elaine hadn't realized it was all just a middle-aged man's fantasy. She had thought it was real. That's why she had never called me again after that phone call to her telling her I couldn't go forward. That was why she hadn't been in her office the next time I'd walked by and she'd accepted a transfer to a branch in Atlanta, but I'd never looked.
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